Why We Reject Our Partners First: A Deep Dive into Self-Worth and Herpes

This week on our support group call, we welcomed new members—yay! For those of you who have been with me for a while, you all know how much I love having new members in our community. What I find so important about our Secret Society is that we are made up of people from all over the world: different ages, religions, cultures, and backgrounds. In many cases, if we were put in a room, we may never have struck up a conversation, but because we’re united by one microscopic virus, we’ve come together to support, heal, and grow. This community is something I’m personally proud of, and I love the members in the group. We are absolutely healing and supporting one another. So, thank you to the members who have been here, and welcome to the new friends who are ready to heal.

Today's topic was a powerful one (and, honestly, they all are—I say that every week!). It's something I’ve come across a lot, especially with women, and yet, we haven’t covered it in a while. Here it is: us rejecting our partners first instead of waiting to be rejected.

Now, this is a deep one, and there are a few ways to look at it. Let's start by discussing being diagnosed with herpes. One of the initial thoughts that often comes up is, I'm never going to be loved, I'm never going to be desired, I’m never going to be found sexy. And the list goes on. We usually think this is about how a partner will see us. But the real issue is actually much deeper—it lies within us.

What we may not realize for years is that it's not our partner’s rejection we’re fearing—it's our own. We don't love ourselves. We don’t desire ourselves. And we don’t think we’re sexy. Here’s the kicker: herpes didn’t create these emotions. They were already there, buried deep within us, and herpes just brought them to the surface.

Boom. It’s a huge wake-up call. It’s in your face, forcing you to confront your self-worth and start relearning how to love yourself.

Now, this whole topic could be an entire blog post in itself, but it’s essential to address it here because it's directly related to why we often reject our partners first.

I see this all the time, and it usually falls into two scenarios:

At first glance, these seem like two completely different situations—one involves an established relationship, while the other is with someone we’ve never met. But guess what? They’re exactly the same.

Let's talk about being in a relationship with someone who knows you have herpes and doesn't care. Everything’s going well, but suddenly, you break up with them. Why? The reasons we tell ourselves may include:

These thoughts stem from a lack of self-worth. You’re rejecting him because deep down, you believe you’re not worthy of being loved. You can’t accept yourself, so you can’t believe that someone else can. Often, we justify this behavior by telling ourselves we're independent, or that we need to deal with our herpes diagnosis alone. But if we dig deeper, these feelings likely come from childhood experiences or even our parents' relationships. Maybe we grew up feeling like we had to earn love or that love was conditional. Whatever the case, herpes is forcing you to confront these insecurities head-on.

Now let’s compare this to the scenario of disclosing your herpes status right upfront. Some people think this situation is entirely different: I don’t even know this person, so why wouldn’t I disclose it before a first date?

I’ve been asked so many times whether you should put "HSV+" on your dating profile or disclose your status via text message before even meeting in person. People say things like, I don’t want to waste anyone’s time or If he’s not okay with it, why even bother getting to know him? These reasons seem logical on the surface, but they often come from the same insecurities as the first scenario.

By disclosing herpes right away, you’re protecting yourself from potential rejection. You’re putting up a wall so you won’t get too close. If rejection happens, it’ll hurt less because you hadn’t invested time or emotions into the person. But here’s the problem: this comes from a lack of confidence and self-love. Somewhere along the way, you were hurt deeply, and now, you're doing everything in your power to avoid that pain again.

Both scenarios are rooted in the same fear: the fear of rejection and, ultimately, the fear of not being good enough. You’re shutting yourself off to protect your heart from getting hurt. If this resonates with you, I want you to know it’s okay. What you're doing is not wrong. You’re just trying to protect yourself in the best way you know how.

But here’s the thing—now that you’re aware of what’s going on, you have the power to change it. The first step is to look at it with neutrality. This isn’t about self-loathing or beating yourself up. Maybe you didn’t even realize this was happening until today. So give yourself some grace. Take a deep breath. Just start by becoming aware of what’s going on.

When you're ready to break down those walls of self-protection, you can take small steps. For instance, instead of disclosing your herpes status upfront, allow yourself to go on a date first. Shift your mindset to: I get to decide who I disclose my herpes status to and if that person is even deserving of knowing. Don’t think of it as wasting someone’s time by going to coffee, yoga, or dinner. You’re still deciding if this person is worth being intimate with.

Does all of this make sense? It’s about awareness. Once you’re aware, you can start making different choices, little by little.

With that said, I hope this blog post has given you an opportunity for an "aha" moment where you can begin healing the wounds that were there long before your herpes diagnosis. Herpes can be seen as a blessing, an opportunity to work on yourself, to grow, and to become a better, more confident version of yourself.

Through a herpes diagnosis, I’ve seen so many people come out with more humility, self-acceptance, confidence, and the ability to form deeper, more meaningful relationships with their partners.

I hope to see you all in the support group next week. If you're not a member yet, come say hi and join our community. We love meeting on Mondays, and as I said earlier, our support groups make my day. Sending you all healing vibes and love.

Join the Secret Society: If you’re ready to join a community that supports you through every step of your herpes journey, you can sign up here. We meet every Monday to connect, share, and grow. You’re never alone in this.