Navigating the Emotional Waves of Herpes: Lessons from Our Community Support Call

This week’s support group call felt like a family reunion. We dove deep into conversations that stirred up some heavy emotions, especially around getting that first outbreak or experiencing one after a long period of dormancy. Herpes can bring up so many thoughts and feelings, and it’s important that we address them head-on, just like we did during the call.

One of the most profound questions raised was, "Do you ever have that moment when you think, 'I have herpes,' and feel down about it? What triggers it, how often does it happen, and what do you do about it?" This led us into a rich discussion about outbreaks and the emotional toll they can take, often setting us back in ways we might not have expected. Today, I want to unpack those feelings and how we can work through them together.

For many of us, when we aren’t experiencing outbreaks, herpes is often out of sight, out of mind. Without the pain, bumps, or blisters, herpes becomes less of a daily focus. Sure, it might come up in a doctor’s office or when filling out health forms, but in general, it fades into the background. We agreed as a community that during these quiet times, the emotional weight of having herpes is easier to carry.

But then, when symptoms do appear—whether it’s nerve pain, itchiness, or a full-blown outbreak—herpes can feel like an all-consuming burden. Suddenly, those feelings of anger, resentment, and even fear can surface. It’s like stepping back into an "Eeyore" phase, where everything feels heavy and gray. I know these feelings all too well.

Having lived with HSV-1 since 2003 and HSV-2 since 2011, I don’t experience the "herpes funk" moments as often as I used to, but they still happen. They come up when I feel an outbreak looming or if I’m in the midst of one. It’s easy for me to slip into frustration, blaming my ex for not having the conversation with me, or feeling upset that I have to suffer because of decisions I made in my 20s. It can even interfere with my intimacy with my husband, which only adds to the emotional load.

But here’s the thing—I have a choice. We all do. I can choose to dwell in those feelings of anger and victimhood, or I can choose to confront them head-on. Sometimes, especially when herpes is new in your life, it’s easier to feel like a prisoner to your emotions. But trust me, you have the power to change how you approach these feelings.

So what triggers these feelings of despair or frustration? For most of us, it’s an outbreak. The physical symptoms are a painful reminder of our diagnosis. However, these emotions can also be triggered by moments of disclosure or even the anticipation of having to disclose. This stems from a deeper issue: acceptance. If we haven’t fully accepted our diagnosis, it’s going to be hard to imagine a future partner accepting it too.

In the support call, I shared a personal example. My "ugh, I have herpes" moments often come up when my husband and I plan to be intimate, but an outbreak forces us to change our plans. Or, when I connect with other moms at school and exchange phone numbers, I sometimes worry if Instagram will suggest my Life With Herpes account to them. While I’m open about my herpes status publicly, I keep it private in my personal life. There are times when I just don’t want the other moms talking about my business.

So, how do we begin to heal when these feelings arise? I’m going to get a bit woo-woo here and talk about energy, vibrations, and chakras. 😊 When herpes triggers a reactive state, it lowers your vibration and can block your chakras. You might not notice this immediately, but over time, it can manifest as anxiety, depression, or even physical illness. Healing isn’t just about transforming your mindset; it’s about shifting the energy in your body too.

Here are the steps we can take to start healing:

When you’re in a panic state—maybe shaking, crying, or feeling overwhelmed—the most critical thing is to calm your nervous system. Keeping yourself in a fight-or-flight mode is exhausting, and while it may feel familiar, it’s not sustainable. To get yourself back to a calmer state, try deep breathing exercises, running cold water over your wrists, or EFT tapping.

Acknowledging your feelings is often the hardest part, but it’s also one of the most healing steps. Whether you’re sad, frustrated, or angry, give yourself permission to feel it. These emotions are there for a reason—they’re trying to teach you something. So many of us try to avoid pain, turning to distractions like overworking, exercise, or even alcohol to numb ourselves. Instead, let yourself feel the feelings without judgment.

One of the most effective ways to process emotions is to journal. Write everything down, uncensored, as if no one else will ever read it. Let your thoughts flow freely, and don’t worry about how it looks or sounds. When you come back to it, you can begin to examine these feelings objectively—where are they coming from? How can you heal them?

As you journal, place your hand on your heart and feel your heartbeat. Center yourself in your body and ask yourself, "Can I keep my heart open to healing?" Visualize light coming into your heart chakra, allowing the energy to flow again.

As a Christian, I believe in God’s role in the healing process. You might refer to Him as Source or the Universe, but the principle is the same. Instead of asking God to remove the problem or take away the pain, thank Him for giving you the opportunity to grow and heal. This is His way of testing and guiding you.

When we pause our healing, we prolong the pain. It might hurt to go there, but it hurts more to stay stuck. Whether you need to talk to a coach, call a friend, or take a walk, do what you need to move forward. Healing is a process, but we don’t have to do it alone.

In conclusion, having herpes can feel like a burden at times, but it also presents an opportunity to heal, grow, and move forward. Let’s be grateful that we have the tools to process these emotions, rather than locking them away where they can cause more harm.

Remember, you are not alone in this. We are a community, and together we can support each other through the ups and downs of living with herpes. As always, my friends, I’m here for you.