Disclosing That You Have Herpes Before the First Date

Why It May Not Be the Best Idea

Deciding when to disclose that you have herpes is a deeply personal decision. For many, the instinct to be upfront about their diagnosis comes from a place of wanting to be honest and avoid potential future complications. But disclosing that you have herpes before the first date may not be the best strategy for a few reasons.

Disclosing your herpes status before even getting to know someone can place an unnecessary focus on your diagnosis. While honesty is essential, leading with this information might prevent someone from seeing who you are as a person first. It can create a situation where your diagnosis overshadows your personality, interests, and the connection you’re building.

People tend to form judgments quickly, especially with limited information, and talking about herpes before you've had a chance to build rapport might cause them to focus more on the stigma than getting to know the real you.

Imagine the situation: You meet someone new and they say: Hi, my name is Polly. I have AIDS. I love painting and walks in the park.

If somebody asks you two days later something about this person, will you remember their name? Will you remember what they love doing? Who knows. But I bet you'd remember they have AIDS.

We urge you to get them to know yourself as a person. What do you like? What makes you laugh? What foods do you crave and which ones you can't stand? There is so much more about you than the fact that you have this virus.

Relationships are built on many factors: shared interests, mutual respect, emotional connections, and more. If you disclose that you have herpes too early—before the person has even had a chance to know you—it may cause them to make a decision based on incomplete information.

Once someone knows and cares about you, they are far more likely to be understanding and supportive about your diagnosis. If they care about you as a person, they’ll be more willing to learn about herpes, and they may not even see it as an issue. But when herpes is the first topic on the table, it’s easy for them to focus on that and miss all the great things about who you are.

Disclosing herpes early can also be a subconscious way to protect yourself. By revealing something deeply personal and potentially "off-putting" right away, you might be trying to avoid getting too attached to someone who could reject you later. In a sense, it acts as a defense mechanism—if they can’t accept you immediately, they were never going to be the right person anyway, right?

But this mindset can be limiting. You're not giving the relationship a chance to evolve naturally, and you're using herpes as a test rather than focusing on developing a genuine connection.

Disclosing herpes is a conversation that should happen, but it’s important to pick the right moment. Letting someone get to know you first and develop a personal connection can make the discussion easier and less stressful. Waiting until there’s mutual interest or emotional investment ensures the conversation will be received with empathy and openness.

While disclosing too soon can be premature, waiting too long can also be problematic. It’s essential to have the conversation before things get physical, but once you’ve built enough trust and rapport to feel comfortable. When the right moment arrives, framing the discussion around how you manage your health and how herpes doesn’t define you can make the conversation smoother.

It’s important to remember that herpes is just one small part of who you are. Leading with this information before the first date limits your chances of building a meaningful connection. Instead, allow yourself to enjoy the process of getting to know someone and letting them see all the other qualities that make you a great partner.

If you're feeling nervous about when and how to disclose, check out our Tell Your Partner Toolkit. It's full of useful tips and ideas on how to have this conversation in a way that feels empowering and comfortable.

In conclusion, while it’s natural to want to be upfront and transparent, disclosing herpes before the first date might not be necessary or helpful. Give the person the chance to get to know you first—you are much more than your diagnosis!