The Hidden Cost of Hatred: How Letting Go of Anger Toward Your Gifter Can Set You Free

Here’s a great video on hate. I’ve talked about this before on our calls and at our retreat. When we harbor ill will toward someone (our "gifter"), it doesn’t impact him or her nearly as much as it impacts you. You see, our ego—or subconscious—doesn’t differentiate between thinking ill will toward someone else and thinking it about ourselves. Ultimately, when you send negative energy toward another person, your subconscious interprets it as directed inward.

For those of us in the herpes community, this anger is often directed at our gifter—the person who gave us herpes. It’s completely natural to feel hurt, betrayed, or even enraged when you’re first diagnosed. Those emotions are valid. But when we hold onto that hatred and anger, it begins to harm us far more than it could ever harm him or her.

The moral of the story is that holding onto hatred is like mixing a poison cocktail for someone else but drinking it yourself. And sadly, there’s no antidote—except releasing the hatred.

Let’s talk about what happens when you hold onto this resentment, especially toward your gifter. Physically, your body activates the stress response, releasing cortisol—the hormone that helps your body respond to stress. While cortisol is helpful in short bursts, chronic anger and resentment keep those cortisol levels elevated. Over time, this can lead to weight gain, fatigue, high blood pressure, and even a weakened immune system. Ironically, stress and elevated cortisol are major triggers for herpes outbreaks, creating a vicious cycle where your hatred could actually be worsening your symptoms.

Anger also interferes with your sleep. Have you ever stayed up replaying a situation in your head, fuming over what someone said or did—or in this case, what someone gave you? Chronic anger can lead to insomnia or restless sleep, leaving you feeling exhausted and on edge. And that lack of rest? It’s another major factor in triggering outbreaks.

Hatred and resentment can also manifest in physical tension. Many people who carry unresolved anger grind their teeth at night, clench their jaw, or develop tension headaches and migraines. Over time, this constant tension can lead to chronic pain, especially in your shoulders, neck, and back.

Emotionally, holding onto hatred isolates you. It traps you in a loop of negativity, making it harder to experience joy, connection, and peace. It’s a heavy weight to carry, and often, the person you’re angry at isn’t even aware of your feelings—or doesn’t care. That means you’re the only one suffering. In the context of herpes, this isolation can feel even heavier because the diagnosis itself often comes with shame and a sense of being alone.

So, the next time you catch yourself holding a grudge or thinking ill will toward your gifter, pause and ask yourself: Is this worth it? Instead of clinging to the poison, work on letting go. Whether it’s through journaling, prayer, meditation, or EFT tapping, releasing hatred allows you to reclaim your peace. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re excusing what happened or dismissing your feelings—it means you’re choosing to prioritize your health and well-being.

Let go of the hatred, not for him or her, but for you. Your body, mind, and spirit will thank you—and in the process, you’ll break free from the cycle of anger and begin to truly heal.