From Hookup Culture to Real Connection: How Herpes Changes Dating for the Better

Our support group call this week was incredibly meaningful. It allowed us to dive deeper into our beliefs and boundaries when it comes to dating and relationships. Before I get into today’s discussion and my thoughts on it, I want to take a moment to celebrate our community. I absolutely love our space, and I love welcoming new members (hi, new members!). I love seeing familiar faces from those who have been joining our Monday calls for years. I love hearing life updates, whether they are herpes-related or not. What truly inspires me is seeing the transformation that happens within our community.

When we’re first diagnosed with herpes, we all start in a similar emotional space—hurt, embarrassed, betrayed, confused, angry, scared, and alone. We are all seeking the same thing: acceptance and unconditional love. This journey of transformation is beyond impactful and deeply important for who we are becoming. Yes, we learn about the HSV virus and how to prevent outbreaks, but more than that, we grow, we transform, and we become new versions of ourselves. It’s almost like a rising phoenix. A part of us feels like it hits rock bottom with this diagnosis, but with strength, hope, and the support of our Secret Society Herpes Support Group, we rise. We become more confident, more aware of ourselves, and more selective about who we allow into our lives. I can’t express how proud I am of everyone in this community, and I hope you take a moment to recognize the incredible growth you’ve experienced.

Now, let’s talk about today’s topic—sex, dating, and building a strong foundation in relationships. One thing we all seemed to agree on during our discussion is that when we were younger, many of us led with lust. The focus was often on surface-level attraction, feeling accepted, and following societal pressures around sex. We weren’t necessarily thinking about whether the person we were with was a good long-term partner or if they aligned with our values. We just wanted to be part of the crowd.

I’ve had countless conversations with members about the fear of rejection—the fear that nobody will accept them now that they have herpes. And while that fear is real and valid, rejection is not solely about herpes. In fact, rejection tends to happen for three core reasons:

When we look at rejection through this lens, we start to see that herpes itself isn’t the true issue—it’s about compatibility, maturity, and connection. Instead of fearing rejection, it’s more productive to recognize that the right person will accept you for all that you are.

Since being diagnosed, many of our community members have shared that their approach to dating has changed. It’s no longer about jumping into bed immediately; instead, it’s about building a strong foundation first. Yes, sexual attraction matters, and it should be there for a relationship to thrive. But because of our HSV diagnosis, we are naturally forced to slow down, have honest conversations, and, most importantly, determine if a person is even worth disclosing to.

I try to keep my blog posts neutral, but today, I feel called to share my personal thoughts in hopes that they help someone. When I speak to young women, particularly those in college or their early 20s, I hear over and over about the hookup culture—how it’s expected, how having a high body count is normalized, and how casual sex is seen as empowering. And honestly? It breaks my heart.

There’s this illusion that casual sex brings happiness—that it’s free of consequences, that it’s what young people “should” be doing. But the reality is, when you live by those expectations, the emotional impact often goes unspoken. And when a herpes diagnosis enters the picture, many people suddenly feel like they can’t participate in this so-called normalcy. But herpes is not what makes hookup culture problematic. The real issue is that many people don’t take the time to consider what they truly want and deserve in relationships.

What I find incredible is how our community members begin to regain their self-confidence after a herpes diagnosis. Or, if they never had confidence before, they find it. They begin to view sex as something truly intimate, rather than just an expectation. They start setting boundaries in dating. They decide who is worthy of knowing their personal story and, most importantly, who is worthy of intimacy with them.

This transformation is part of the rising phoenix that I mentioned earlier. Today on our call, two members shared their experiences in relationships where they haven’t had sex yet, despite being with their partners for over six months. Instead, they are prioritizing the relationship foundation—discussing values, future goals, kids, marriage, and faith—before becoming physically intimate. They are ensuring that their relationships are built on more than just lust.

Some may argue that this change in approach comes with age, and maybe that’s true to an extent. But I believe that our herpes diagnosis pushes us to be more intentional. It forces us to think more critically about what we want and deserve in a relationship. And that shift has nothing to do with herpes itself—it has everything to do with self-confidence, boundaries, and the ability to communicate what we want from a partner.

If you’re feeling lost in dating after your herpes diagnosis, I encourage you to shift the focus inward. Ask yourself:

If you’re looking for support, I encourage you to join our Secret Society Herpes Support Group. This community is filled with people who have walked the same path as you and are here to uplift, encourage, and support you every step of the way.

I truly look forward to hearing your thoughts on this. If you’re already a member of our community, I’ll see you next Monday on our support call. If you’re not, I hope to welcome you soon!

Sending you love and blessings this week!