Dating with Herpes: The Anticipation, the Pressure, and the Freedom to Choose

As you all know, I love our Monday calls. On Monday mornings, when I’m busy making my son’s lunch, getting him ready for school, and getting him out the door, I’m also getting excited thinking about our calls. As always, seeing familiar faces is the best—and I love welcoming new people. If you’re thinking about joining and you’re scared or concerned about speaking up, please know that we are all here in the same boat. We’ve all been diagnosed with herpes. We’ve all been in your shoes and are ready to heal just like you. We get it, and we’re here to hold your hand one day at a time.

Let’s talk about dating. Whether you’re new to the dating scene or getting back into it after a long relationship, dating can be exhilarating. The butterflies, the endless daydreaming, the outfit planning, the texting—there’s so much excitement that comes with possibility. But there’s also pressure. Pressure to impress, pressure to be liked, and now—if you’re living with herpes—an entirely new kind of pressure: When do I disclose? How do I disclose? Will I be rejected?

These are questions that flood our minds and hearts, and honestly, they can take the fun out of dating if we let them.

The Weight of Disclosure

Let’s start here, because this is often the biggest mental hurdle. Disclosing your herpes status can feel daunting. I’ve been there too. I’ve rehearsed the conversations in my head a million times, worried about the “right” moment, and feared how the other person would respond. But here’s the truth I always come back to: disclosure is an act of honesty and empowerment. It shows that you respect yourself and your partner.

There’s no one-size-fits-all way to disclose. Some people prefer to do it early on, even before the first date, especially if they met online. Others wait until there’s a real connection building. What matters most is that you feel safe, grounded, and prepared when you have that conversation. If you need help with that, the Tell Your Partner Toolkit is a powerful resource that can help you navigate that disclosure with confidence.

Online Dating: Swipe Culture Meets Herpes Disclosure

Ah, online dating—where you can fall in love over memes and emojis before ever meeting in person. It’s fast-paced, visually driven, and comes with its own etiquette and expectations. If you’re living with herpes, it adds another layer to navigate. So, is online dating harder with herpes? Sometimes. But it can also be easier.

Here’s why: You have more control over the pace of the connection. You can chat, assess chemistry, and build trust before disclosing. That said, there’s still the anxiety of wondering how or when to bring it up.

There are two directions people usually go with online dating post-diagnosis:

These platforms are designed exclusively for people living with herpes or other STIs. Here are a few of the most well-known:

    •    Positive Singles – One of the largest and most popular platforms.

    •    MPWH (Meet People with Herpes) – A well-established site with a simple, user-friendly interface.

    •    Hope – A newer app with a fresh design and community-based features.

    •    You can skip the disclosure fear entirely—everyone already knows.

    •    You’re part of a community that gets it.

    •    There’s often more compassion, patience, and understanding.

On our Monday calls and in the Secret Society Support Group, many of you have shared how these platforms helped you re-enter the dating world with confidence. You didn’t have to hide or explain yourself. You just got to be you—a human looking for connection.

But on the flip side, some members have felt limited by these sites. And I totally get that.

 Mainstream Dating Apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc.)

If you were using these before your diagnosis, you might be wondering: Can I still use them? The answer is yes. And here’s the thing—I don’t believe you should feel like you have to segregate yourself or only date people with herpes.

There are millions of compassionate, open-minded people out there who are willing to date someone with herpes. The key is being upfront when you’re ready, clear in your boundaries, and grounded in your worth.

Some of the most empowering stories I’ve heard have come from people who disclosed to someone they met on a mainstream dating app, and that person responded with grace and kindness. It’s a reminder that herpes doesn’t define us—and it definitely doesn’t define our dating pool.

Redefining Romance

Dating with herpes might change your timeline, but it doesn’t change your worthiness. If anything, it deepens it. You learn how to communicate more clearly. You show up more vulnerably. You build connections on honesty instead of pretense.

And guess what? That’s the kind of relationship most of us are looking for anyway.

There’s no denying that dating with herpes comes with unique challenges, but it also opens the door to deeper conversations and more authentic relationships. When someone accepts you after your disclosure, it’s not because you’re settling—it’s because you’re creating a partnership built on trust.

So if you’re dating with herpes right now, or thinking about it, just know that you’re not alone. You’re never alone. You’ve got this entire community behind you, cheering you on, reminding you that love isn’t off-limits. It’s just taking a different route—and maybe even a more beautiful one.

And if you haven’t already, come join us in the Secret Society. We talk about this stuff every week. You’ll find support, guidance, and a whole lot of real talk from people who truly understand.

As always, I’m here for you. We’re all walking this together, one step at a time. And no matter what app you’re swiping on or what stage of dating you’re in, remember—you are lovable, desirable, and worthy of deep, meaningful connection.

Hugs,

Alexandra