Herpes Dating Stories: What You Really Need to Know when Disclosing

Now that we have herpes one of the biggest fears is disclosing to a partner. I know this was my big fear and why I stayed the the guy I got herpes from for 2 years. I was so paralysed with fear of the rejection that I didn’t think anyone would ever want to date me because I was used goods. In fact this is the number one question I get from you all, whether it be in our weekly support groups or in DM’s or in the comments. The fear of disclosing just stops us. 

Let me just get to the point there. Your dating life is not over now that you have herpes. Promise!!! Having herpes or not rejection happens and that’s okay and it’s part of life. I disclosed to guys that I was interested in and got rejected, I also disclosed as way to get out of having sex and that totally backfired and then I’ve disclosed and it’s been no problem.

Let’s talk about some ways to disclose when dating:

Basically there are three ways; via text, on the phone or in person. Personally, I feel the best way is in person however I’ve talk to many different people who like to disclose via text.  The good news with disclosing via text you have a paper trail of disclosures and can always revert back to that if needed. Me personally I felt that disclosing in person was the best because when I was disclosing, it was to have a relationship with that person. I wanted more than just sex so I wanted to be able to start that relationship with a great communication foundation. But that’s me so just do what you feel is best. 

Something I want you to be aware of is when we disclose up front prior to a date vs. once we’ve gotten to know the person. Neither way is right or wrong. But when you are disclosing right up front it is a protection method. Somewhere along the way you’ve had your heart broken or had deep rejection and never want to feel that way again. And hey I totally get it, who wants to feel that way. But it’s a way that you are trying to protect yourself. It’s not right or wrong I just want you to be aware of that and realize that you are doing that. Sometimes we tell ourselves that it’s because we don’t want to lead them on or we don’t want to waste time etc. And that might be true, but the bigger picture here is you are protecting yourself. 

Back to herpes dating stories and what happens when you disclose. You’ll get one of these 3 responses. It will either be a fast and hard no, he or she will say let me think about it or it will be an I don’t care. Like I said earlier I’ve gotten all 3 responses. Mostly I got I don’t care and I got one let me think about it and then he bowed out. So that is totally cool and totally fine. 

Let’s think of this herpes dating as learning to date with confidence and finding the confidence you didn’t have before. When we disclose we need to stand up for ourselves and own who we are opposed to feeling like we’re shameful or disgusting. Remember I mentioned that I liked to disclose in person because I wanted to create a foundation and start off with communication. Again, you do you and enjoy the journey. 

Ok so if you’re still terrified and I totally get it I have a toolkit for you. It has 14 videos walking you through on how to disclose you have herpes to a partner. It’s called the Tell Your Partner Toolkit. There are scripts to use as well as topics ranging from the importance of disclosing, why we disclose and different types of disclosures for different relationships such as one night stands etc.

You can check it out here