Embracing Your Inner Queen: How to Maintain Your Self-Worth After a Herpes Diagnosis

Elevate Your Self-Worth: Embrace Your Inner Queen (or King) with Coach Sarah Joy’s Insights

Wow, this week's conversation in the support group was nothing short of amazing. We had the privilege of having Coach Sarah Joy join our morning call, and as always, she brought a wealth of knowledge to our community. For those of you unfamiliar with Coach Sarah Joy, she’s been a recurring guest on my podcast and is an honorary member of the Secret Society. Her expertise on topics like the HSV virus, gut health, the immune system, and our vaginal ecosystem is invaluable. If you haven’t yet, I highly recommend listening to our podcast interviews with her here and here. And if you're a member of the Secret Society Support Group, you can reach out to her directly for more personalized guidance.

Before I dive into the key takeaways from Coach Sarah Joy's insights this week, I want to express how much these support groups mean to me—and to all of us. Each week, we come together from all corners of the globe, united by one common thread: a herpes diagnosis. Yes, this diagnosis can feel devastating and tragic, and as I mentioned in last week's blog post, I spent two years in the "Eeyore phase," feeling like a cloud was permanently over my head. But I want us all to realize how powerful this transformation can be because of our herpes diagnosis. We can view HSV as the end of our existence—the end of the carefree, happy individual we thought we were. Or, we can use our herpes diagnosis as a catalyst to dig deep, heal the parts of ourselves we've been neglecting, and grow significantly as individuals. I feel so blessed to be part of this community, and when I hear about your breakthroughs and witness your transformations, I am beyond proud and deeply humbled to be a part of your journey.

Now, let's get into this week's topic. Coach Sarah Joy shared some profound insights on the importance of STI testing and maintaining a healthy vaginal ecosystem. When our vaginal health is off-balance—when there’s more harmful bacteria than good—it not only makes us susceptible to recurring herpes outbreaks but also to bacterial infections like BV, yeast infections, UTIs, and even other STIs like chlamydia and gonorrhea. This is why gut health is so crucial for both men and women; by improving gut health, we can support vaginal health, reduce the frequency of outbreaks, and boost overall immune function.

A critical point we discussed is how often, after being diagnosed with herpes, we lower our standards. We might think, "I’m the one with an STD, so why should I ask my partner to get tested?" Or we might dismiss the importance of discussing safe sex practices altogether, sometimes even deciding to stop using protection because we already have an STI. I’ve seen this mindset time and time again, where we think, "What’s the point? I already have herpes." But here is where I want us to dig deeper.

I want you to recognize your worth. Ask yourself, why do I think I’m not deserving of asking my future partner to get tested? Why do I feel unworthy of a deep, meaningful connection and trust with my partner? When did I start believing that I’m not enough and don’t deserve respect?

The truth is, these emotions—the lack of self-esteem, the lack of self-respect—were already there before your herpes diagnosis. Herpes didn’t create them; it just amplified them, like adding ketchup to your fries or seasoning to your meal. These feelings have always been present, and now is your invitation to do the emotional work, dig deep, and rewire your beliefs. What I want you to realize is that, now with herpes, you have more control over your body, your relationships, and your confidence. You get to demand respect and set boundaries that align with your self-worth.

I know this might sound far-fetched, especially if you’ve just been diagnosed. You might be thinking, "Yeah right, Alexandra. I just want to crawl into a hole and cry. I’ll never date again, and I have zero confidence. The idea of being in a relationship again feels impossible." But let me share the analogy Coach Sarah Joy used that really struck a chord with all of us. She said we are all Queens (and for the gentlemen reading, Kings). Would a Queen, someone who respects her body, her boundaries, her confidence, and her leadership, allow just anyone to enjoy her body? The answer is a firm and resounding NO.

A Queen would never compromise her self-worth. She wouldn’t allow just anyone into her life, let alone into her bed. This analogy is powerful because it highlights the importance of setting boundaries and expectations for our partners. When we respect our bodies and understand our value, it naturally leads to stronger, healthier relationships. On the flip side, when we don’t respect our bodies—when we don’t ask our partners to get tested, or when we don’t set clear boundaries—we are just as responsible for contracting another STI as the person who didn’t disclose their status to us.

Coach Sarah Joy articulated it brilliantly: If someone wants to enjoy your body, you have the power to decide if that person is worthy. Access to your body is a privilege, and you need to act like it and require that same level of respect from your partners.

As always, my friends, we are here for you if you need support. The Secret Society is the best place to begin or continue your healing journey. When I was diagnosed with herpes in 2011, I felt so alone. I truly wish I had the Secret Society to hold my hand back then. If you’re not a member, come check us out, and we’ll be there to support you every step of the way.

For more insights and to hear directly from Coach Sarah Joy, be sure to listen to our podcast episodes. And if you’re looking to improve your gut health and support your vaginal ecosystem, check out Coach Sarah Joy on instagram. Remember, taking care of your body is the ultimate act of self-love.

Let’s continue to lift each other up, embrace our inner Queens and Kings, and live with the confidence and self-respect we all deserve.